Previous Dozie's Brain Dumps: April 24th, 2023 July 10th, 2023 August 9th, 2023 October 10th, 2023 February 29th, 2024 March 11th, 2024 I last blogged on March 18th, which is not ideal, but I've been preoccupied. Despite some intense emotional/mental pain from the premature ending of a beautiful connection and losing my net worth in Vegas, coping with said pain, I'm doing well. I'm about a third through #everydaydoz--you likely only know wtf that is if you follow my personal IG. Origin Story: with April starting on a Monday, last Thursday, I realized I had been to the gym every day in April and decided I would go every day this month. I've posted a selfie and/or my stats from the bike on my story to hold myself accountable. People are expecting to see it!!! I can't let the people who bang through my story, like Darla on her uncle's fish tank, down! It's definitely not me trying to show the woman I'm in love with that I am getting serious about turning my life around and being a more active and productive human being. Since my last blog, I've decided I want to go to grad school (online) to get my Masters in Special Education. I've spent a quarter of my life trying to get DOL to the next level, and while writing and creating are still crucial to my existence, I have to be able to survive in this capitalist hellscape. I don't wanna be long-term subbing and driving for Uber when I'm 35. Plus, my priorities have drastically shifted. I don't really follow Barstool anymore. I haven't listened to PMT in over a month, which was my last holdout. I mean, I still like BSS and would love to work there someday, but there is more to life, and I have other goals. I won't put the totality of my happiness into whether or not I work there anymore. It's not good for me. As I type this sentence, these are my biggest priorities in life. 1. Getting healthy I want to get more out of life, and to do so...I need to be in better shape. No else matters. I can't attack the rest of my goals if I'm dead. I need more energy and flexibility. I'm tryna look good and, more importantly, feel good about myself. I'm noticing some progress and want to continue going down this path. I feel much better about myself and know I will be successful this time because I'm doing it the right way. No gimmicks. Just good old-fashioned exercise and trying to be more mindful about what I put into my body. I still have miles to go and want to find healthier things I can tolerate, but I've eliminated fast food from my diet and have cut my snacking down by 90%. I WILL be back in the 200s by the time I turn 33. 2. Stopping fascism/theocracy in America I am fucking terrified about what's going on in this country right now. Extremists are challenging the separation of church and state, and idiots are letting it happen. I'm not gonna spend too much time talking about our illusion of freedom or how much this shit weighs on me because I'm tryna stay in a positive headspace today to be productive on my day off, but again if you follow my personal IG, you know how I feel. 3. Love All of it.. experiencing, spreading, rekindling it. It's corny, but love really is everything. Connection is the essence of existence. There's no point in going through this fucked up world alone. Ideally, things will work out with the woman I fell in love with, but if not, there will be someone out there. I'm too fucking great of a guy to be alone. Getting myself into a more conventionally attractive frame will only help. Everything else is whatever. Right now, those are the big three. Love is kind of a catch-all for all relationships...but I'm mainly focused on finding my future bride. I'm sick of being alone. I hope to reunite with the woman I connected with in early March, but if that's not meant to be..it's not meant to be....it just really fucking sucks because I felt so happy and at peace with her--and it felt like the feelings were mutual. I fell HARD. I still can't believe it's over (as of now), and for my own sake, I'm gonna leave it at that (I will gladly vent to anybody who wants to listen tho...so hit up ya boi if you're curious).
I guess I haven't been writing because I really haven't wanted to. I love writing, but clearly, I've prioritized other things lately. I don't know what the future of DOL holds, but the future of Ryan includes continuing on this path of reclaiming my confidence. I actually enjoy working out now and sorta look forward to it. Yeah, I'm gonna probably play another game of Madden after finishing this post, but then it's gym time and working on my grad school applications. I've got a shrink session tonight, too. I'm sure I'll spend most of it talking about *Her*, but despite my nervous energy around this blog, I feel good. If people don't wanna read my writing...whatever. There are much bigger issues in the world, and I want to do something to fix them. I wanted my writing to be something that helped, but it may be time to focus on other paths.
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Song: Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly Fond of Each Other (2024) Artist: Orville Peck & Willie Nelson The boi is baaaaack (s/o Muslims for the day off from work--imagine being such a bigot you'd rather be at WORK?!? couldn't be me!) after far too long away from the keys. I'm prob just gonna drop a DBD (dozie's brain dump) and bounce. I've got a lot to do today (which will be addressed in said DBD)! Orville's trimmed the mask which makes me think that maaaybe in like an album or two we'll see his entire face? Hand up, I didn't know this was a cover until like 15 minutes ago, but it being a cover is actually fantastic. I love that this song existed 40+ years ago and that Willie Nelson is still ALIVE!!!!!
The NY Post is a fucking rag (edit your tweet, guy), but I saw this article on TWITTER yesterday that was about as shocking as (spoiler alert) finding out Santa isn't real. If you're interested in the actual study: CLICK HERE
I loveee the replies to the Post's tweet.
The term "woke" has been hijacked and destroyed by the conservatives that wants to keep everybody divided so the ruling class can continue its reign of terror, but to me and the dictionary, "woke" means to be aware of and actively attentive to important societal facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social justice).
I don't know how anybody could not be depressed after realizing how fucked up society and humanity are. Yeah, we're the bad guys for thinking a housing crisis, racism, sexism, homo(and trans)phobia, income inequality, ignorance, rampant gun violence, and countless other systemic injustices are awful determents to the human experience. Sorry for having empathy and a soul! We didn't need a study to know that people aware of the most significant social challenges aren't exactly thrilled. How can you see unhoused people, especially VETERANS, and not get fucking bummed? What happened? How did that person (or people) get there? I think about that all the time. I easily could've ended up homeless with some of the dumb decisions and lack of funds. I know I'm privileged to have the safety net that I do (thanks, Daddy), and most people aren't so lucky. With our military's extravagant budget, our Vets should be the most taken care of, and unfortunately, that's not even a little bit true. Unless you're wealthy, it feels like everything is designed to fuck you over. There's a reason Trump openly says he loves the uneducated and those morons eat it up like their morning grits. Our country is so brainwashed that there are actually people (like tens of millions of them) who actively vote against their own interests. If my grandma (who's on social security) is still alive in November, she's gonna vote for Trump.
Universal healthcare is a no-brainer; virtually every other developed nation has it. The minimum wage should be the minimum needed to survive. You can't afford a decent place in most of the country on $50,000/year, forget $7.25/hour. Corporate greed is out of control. Monopolies are alive and well, just under different names---like six companies control everything! YES, this is going to upset some people
Sure, I was undoubtedly happier (but still depressed) when I was younger and didn't pay much attention to social issues or really anything besides my friends and sports. I mean, I supported gay rights from a young age and considered myself a liberal growing up, but I was growing up aka stupid. There's a reason the phrase "ignorance is bliss" exists. Do you think I really understood the roots of the 07-08 recession when I was 16? I was busy being heartbroken over the Pats going 18-1 and tryna kiss girls (unsuccessfully). Also...kids (usually) don't have bills. That probably has something to do with it too.
Just because you're unhappy about how things are doesn't make you a bad person or wrong---quite the opposite. You're showing you care about others and want a more just society. More people should care; the world would 1000% be a better place. I actively try (on my IG stories) to introduce information to people who otherwise would never see it or change their point of view. Believe me, I know change isn't easy. I used to believe all the lies too.
I used to shit on "social justice warriors" constantly. Hell, they're a significant reason I created this website. Luckily for me, through the writing process and the reflection required, I took stock of myself and the systems around me and realized my mistakes and the systemic issues that impact us all. I'm incredibly ashamed of who I used to be, but I'm also wicked proud of my growth and development. It didn't happen overnight, but being an adult in America peeled back the curtain, so yeah, I'm "wOkE." Now I've seen for myself how many "higher-ups" don't know what the fuck they are doing and how many institutions I held in such high regard are actually the root of these issues. It's high-key devastating, so yes, I can understand why "woke" people aren't exactly Richard Simmons when it comes to positivity.
It's tough to come to grips with your flaws and the role you play (sometimes inadvertently) in multiplying the issues plaguing society. Like a lot of people my age, I used to rely on sexist, racist, homophobic, etc. tropes in the name of "making people laugh," and it's had me analyzing myself for years. Am I even funny, or was I just parroting the fucked up, low-hanging jokes I'd seen countless times on tv and movies? I believe nothing should be off-limits in comedy but there's a difference between a joke and hate speech. Hurt people hurt people. Kids say FUCKED UP stuff. I hear it daily at work. Let's not forget our frontal lobes weren't even close to developed! We're all works in progress, and life is already challenging enough. When you realize the systems in place to maintain power, control, and oppression, it can fuck with your head. I tell my shrink all the time that one of the most complex parts of dealing with my depression is figuring out what percentage is a chemical imbalance vs. general bummed-out-ness from the situations we deal with. Yeah, dude, I'm depressed that I'm probably never gonna be able to afford my own home, that women don't have fucking autonomy over their bodies, and Nazis are making a bigger comeback than 90s fashion. It's depressing as fuck that public schools are underfunded and under attack (in more ways than one). You're a fucking sociopath if it doesn't bother you. Worrying about nuclear war, the climate crisis, gun violence, etc., can make you pretty damn anxious. Learning about redlining or the prison industrial complex is a major vibe assassin. How can I be happy knowing the students I teach aren't given the same opportunities as others a few miles away because of the town where their parents or guardians live? Who's happy being underpaid? Who's happy being taken advantage of? Who's happy when they realize the dreams sold to them as kids were lies? The real question is, why don't more people care? Given the state of things in the world's greatest country on Earth (and Earth in general), everybody should be depressed! It's never too late to open change for the better. Song: Alter Ego (live at Wave House) Artist: Tame Impala Album: Innerspeaker (2010) I've been watching the shit out of this Innerspeaker live recording the last couple weeks and this is my favorite track. Plus it's not blocked on my work network (the whole set is) which is always nice. And of course, it goes without saying (yet here I am)....Kevin Parker is a musical genius.
TikTok was the first app that made me start to feel old. It blew up during my first year teaching in the creative capital, and I haaated it. Now that's partly because back then, I was a much more damaged person and hated things way too quickly, but it also was a massive pain in the ass. Kids would consistently disrupt class to make the classic dumb TikTok dance videos or play videos with the sound on like a Neanderthal. That's pretty much all I equated TikTok to, so if you asked me in 2019 if I think TikTok should be banned, I would've been like, for sure, or at the very least not have cared.
Oh, how things change. Now, I'm not like the biggest TikTok guy. I've dabbled on the platform and did have a baby viral moment in November 2022 shitting on MTG, but it was removed for bullying (which is insane considering MTG is an evil disgrace) after a few days. I couldn't tell you when I first started using the app (there's 1000% data out there that knows), but it's fucking incredible. TikTok is so much more than annoying arm-based dances and Gen Z slang. It shines a spotlight on the issues we're all facing on a global scale. I've learned so much from scrolling TikTok and also seen countless juicy booties. There's something for everybody on TikTok. Despite that, the House of Representatives voted to ban TikTok in the U.S., unless the Chinese company is sold. The Bill passed quickly with bipartisan support.
Of course, I'm worried about China, but I'm WAY more concerned with this Patriot Act 2.0 bullshit that is a blatant attempt to silence free speech and information. It's about control!
IDC, if there's a D or R next to your name, I'm annoyed with everybody who voted for this. This being one of the few Bills this historically terrible House has passed speaks volumes about our democratic avalanche (it's no longer a backslide).
This Bill is a clear First Amendment violation, but our Supreme Court is more corrupt than a 2006 laptop after downloading every Linkin Park song off Limewire, so does it even matter at this point?
There's a chance that the Senate won't pass it, but the fact that we're even here is terrifying. How ironic that we're "worried about China" and what this means for "our data" when this is some authoritarian bullshit, and all our devices are listening to us. Facebook can spread misinformation. An egomaniacal billionaire 21st century Robber Baron bought Twitter to control the spread of information. But yes, TikTok is the most pressing issue!
I'm holding out a minuscule piece of hope since there was also bipartisan opposition to this 1984-ass Bill. Ridiculously common Katie Porter win. That last sentence!!!
I don't fuck with Nancy Mace at all (but I agree here).
This Bill is a slippery slope, but so much more than that. It's a slap in the face to the American people and more proof that even with our crazy divided nation, both parties don't have our best interests in mind. They want us divided. They rushed this along, proving that they can pass anything as quickly as they want, yet we've got planes falling out of the sky, a housing crisis, insane corporate greed, our taxes are funding a genocide, the planet's on fire, women are losing rights on the daily and soooo much more! Like...oh duh,,,how could I forget? You can also get shot anywhere!
I'm trying sooo fucking hard to get my life together. Like, I want to make this whole life thing work. I haven't had fast food in 2024 and went 45:58 without stopping on the bike today, but what is the point??? How can anybody seriously think we're the greatest country on earth? Why did this chick abruptly end things after we had two incredible nights together?? Nothing matters!
The tweet below is astonishing. You may cringe to death, so consider that your warning. Jeez, Nancy. Can we PLEASE get some politicians in office who can't remember the Challenger disaster???
Song: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Paranoid Artist: The Beaches Album: Blame My Ex (2023) This song's been my fucking anthem lately. At least it's not four years ago. 3/13/20 is when shit hit the FAN, but instead of a fan, it was a jet engine. Luckily, planes are doing suuuper well right now....and guess who's flying next Wednesday? That's right, Loyal DOL reader, Ole Dozo. I am high-key terrified and not looking forward to it at all!! I haven't flown since 2018!
Welcome to the latest edition of Dozie's Brain Dump. If you're unfamiliar with this blog format, I basically just empty the clip of thoughts in my head. We're not super worried about flow or being good, it's all about venting to strangers and loved ones on the internet. Today we're switching it up and going list style.
Previous Dozie's Brain Dumps:
April 24th, 2023 July 10th, 2023 August 9th, 2023 October 10th, 2023 February 29th, 2024
1. Yesterday, in my Mac Jones is a Jaguar blog, I mentioned how I don’t care about dozonlife.com anymore. That couldn’t be further from the truth. This website is everything to me and is responsible for so much growth, for which I’m incredibly thankful. Writing has help me in more ways than I’ll ever be able to quantify; I’ve just been going through it and feeling the pressures of adulthood in a capitalist society amidst a democratic backslide. More so, my goals may be shifting. Barstool is no longer this end-all, be-all goal. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to work there and believe I’d thrive in that environment, but I’m not the same Ryan/Doz I was in 2016 when I started this blog. My priorities and goals have evolved. Creating is still an essential part of my existence. I never wanna stop making things; I’m just opening myself up to other possibilities. My biggest priority with writing is using my voice to entertain and inform. Ideally, I’ll find a way to survive off it. So many scumbags and assholes make a living doing this; as someone genuinely trying to improve life for all, I fucking deserve a break. I’ve paid my dues. I’m ready to take on so much more.
2. The RISB is a fucking joke. I did a little SGP with Celtics three-pointers with the Jays and KP on Saturday. I placed it at 2:15 PM (I usually NEVER place bets that early and that's what I get for doing so). KP ended up not playing, and even though both Jays hit their prop, the bet was void. That is absolute ass. I should get paid out as if it were a two-leg parlay. Typical Rhode Island fuckery (even though, hand up, I shouldn't have bet this early like a sucker).
3. I'm feeling soooo much better about myself and the unfortunate ending (fingers crossed that we reconnect) with this chick I started seeing. I still don't understand what the fuck happened, and I'm beginning to accept that I may never know, and it could very well not be because of anything I did. I got beers with a buddy Friday night, watched the C's with my dad on Saturday, and had lunch with another friend on Sunday. That was huge for the Doz man. It was fantastic to spend time with others and not just be alone in my room playing Madden, overthinking myself to death. Talking it out undoubtedly helps. If you think you need therapy, you should find yourself a shrink. It saved my life; s/o Liberty.
4. I reaaally dig Chappel Roan and want to dive into her catalog more, but she reminds me of the woman in point #3 who introduced me to her. Now she's way too painful to listen to, even though I fw her. "Red Wine Supernova" and "My Kink is Karma" are fucking bangers. Hopefully, things will get resolved with the lady I'm not gonna name on the blog for her privacy. I high-key love her and don't give a fuck what anybody thinks (unless they're supportive). 5. Ya boi's been listening to a ton of Blur lately, and I'm not ashamed to admit that 90s Damon Albarn was a total dreamboat. "Charmless Man" reminds me of way too many dudes I've encountered throughout my life. I might've bought a "Parklife" T-shirt yesterday...
6. Kirko Cousins is gonna look so fucking silly in those gradient ATL unis.
7. If you care about the planet + the people and wildlife that inhabit it, you shouldn't vote for Mango Mussolini. Check out some information on the rise of fascism in Europe in the 20th century before that's outlawed. How many rights do people need to lose before you wake the fuck up? (if this applies to you...and hopefully it shouldn't) 8. I had mushrooms (not the fun kind) on this hipster pizza in Newport yesterday. While there were way too many (four different shrooms) on the pie, I did enjoy the burnt ones and am proud of myself for trying new foods. That said, $26 for a 12-inch pizza is borderline criminal. 9. I like that the Pats brought back Kendrick Bourne and Hunter Henry. They're two of the like 10 guys on the roster that should stick around for the rebuild.
10. I didn't watch a second of The Oscars last night and do not regret that decision. I'm happy for Christopher Nolan, though. I don't think I'd recognize him if he were looking right at me..but who doesn't love The Dark Knight? (prob Heath Ledger's family??). Good for Chris!
11. The present I bought the woman in point #3 is scheduled to come in tomorrow, and if that doesn't get her to reach out and, at the very least, say thanks, then I will officially move on. For now, I am holding out hope that things just went a little too quickly for her, and she got scared because it is overwhelming to meet such an incredible guy and not just click on so many levels but have such a fantastic time together. Loyal DOL reader, maybe I'm wrong...but I'm not ready to give up on her. I know there's something there worth fighting for (sorry for ending a sentence with "for"). Plus, I've never been prouder of my foreplay game. That's what makes this even more puzzling. Like, I know I killed it. I still can't fucking believe I haven't talked to her since Thursday. There's been about a million different things I've wanted to talk about with her. Man, this sucks. I would eat nothing but seafood (which I hate) for a week straight to have another shot. 12. Originally, I was going to stick with 11 points due to it being 3/11, but I just saw this on TWITTER (I'll never call it X). Hasn't Malcolm Butler retired like three times already? Maybe it's merely to get some buzz for this week's The Dynasty? If the Super Bowl 52 episode gives any legit insight into that idiotic decision, it may save this subpar docuseries.
Song: Creatures (For A While) Artist: 311 Album: Evolver (2003) I'm almost positive I used this as an SOD last year, but it's 3/11 and I make the rules. The fact that 311 is from Omaha, Nebraska and not some random Cali beach town will always blow my mind.
After three seasons, the Mac Jones era is officially over in Foxboro.
Mac Jones' had a promising rookie year that saw the 2021 Patriots at 9-4 going into their week 14 bye. They then went 1-3 to end the regular season, with their lone win coming against the 3-14 Jaguars. Against Buffalo, the Pats suffered the worst playoff defeat in team history (although who knows what happens if Brandon Bolden doesn't have that drop on the opening drive lololol).
Mac Jones was runner-up for Rookie of the Year with a respectable 22 touchdowns and 92.5 passer rating. How did the Pats handle his all important sophomore season?..
Even though Mac Jones exuded many punk-ass bitch tendencies, it's hard for me to place all the blame on him for his Foxboro failures. This organization neglected him like a step-child, but honestly, loyal DOL readers...I don't fucking care about this. We won six Super Bowls. I am more than okay with paying my karmic taxes with some shit football. I'm like how billionaires should be. I got to experience the highest of highs during the double dynasty, and now I want other suffering fan bases to get a taste of it. I want my Bengals fan bro to experience a ring. We're hoarding Lombardis. We have more than we know what to do with. We have so many that AppleTV+ thinks it's cool to fast-forward through the story of two of them!
Plus, if you saw today's SOD blog, you know my head and heart are elsewhere. All I've thought about since Thursday is this incredible woman and what could have gone wrong. It doesn't make any fucking sense. What could've happened between 9:30 Wednesday night and 6:03 am Thursday? Mac Jones was never gonna be Tom Brady, but I thought I found my forever person. I hadn't felt so happy in years. I was definitely happier than I was after we won Super Bowl 53. That game wasn't even enjoyable. So yeah, Mac Jones is going home to Jacksonville, Florida (that sucks, man) to be Trevor Lawrence's backup. TBH, it's probably the best spot for Mac to go. He needed a fresh start. Maybe Doug Pederson can fix him? I really don't care one way or another. All that matters to me is authoritarianism not happening (it's not looking good, but I'm hopeful) and finding a way to show this woman that we shouldn't give up on us this soon. Not to be crass, but I've never been prouder of my foreplay game. I would've bet anything we were gonna end up together. I felt so comfortable with her. I legit have never been this devastated in my 32 years. I don't even really care about DOL anymore. It's been eight years. I gave it a valiant effort. Nothing matters but love and happiness. That's what the world needs more of, and until my dying breath, it'll be the most important thing to me. Despite how horrible things can be (like Mac Jones' attempt at tackling Chandler Jones), I still hold out hope for humanity to come together and defeat all our issues. There's more good than bad out there, and it has to be overcome. I still can't believe we fucking signed JuJu over Jakobi. Like that's not Mac's fault. You can't break someone's arm then yell at them for not being able to use it. I don't want Drake Maye on the New England Patriots. I don't pay much attention to college football, but that dude screams Trubisky 2.0. I wouldn't hate taking Marvin Harrison Jr and giving Kirko Cousins a call. But again, football seems meaningless at a time like this. All I want is to go back to the state of bliss I was in until I woke up and checked my phone on Thursday morning. I don't think you understand how much I cried on Thursday, dude; I lost weight..like you can see it in my face. Also, Mac Jones annoyed the fuck out of me. If he weren't a Patriot, I would've never had to pretend I liked him, but that dude just rubbed me the wrong way with his demeanor. You just know he calls January 6th a tourist gathering. There's a clip of him laughing WAY TOO hard at something Belichick said on the bench. He was hamming it up big time, probably for Bill's approval, and it was disgusting. Relax, guy, just be a human for a fucking second. I won't use her name, but if you're reading this, it's okay if you're scared that you found someone who's such a great match and even better guy. I get it, some push away in times like that, but all I want to do is love you and give you everything your heart could ever desire. Mac Jones...whatever dude....goodbye/luck I guess?
Song: How To Disappear Completely (2000) Artist: Radiohead Album: Kid A Last week was brutal for the Doz man. I've been a wreck since Thursday morning. Wednesday was one of the best nights of my life, then I woke up to an RPG obliterating my soul. Everything seems more meaningless than usual. All I want is happiness (and for fascism to not happen...but they're super intertwined in this situation), and I fuckin' had it in my hands momentarily, only for it to slip through my fingers. Like, what went wrong? I don't get it. The vibes were vibing. I was in heaven in an in-law apartment. I honestly thought I had met my forever person and tbh, I'm not giving up hope entirely just yet, but as of rn I'd love to unplug my brain and heart so I don't have to feel this anguish. I've cried more this week than I had in the 2020s, and let's not forget how much this decade has destroyed me! You definitely don't wanna check out what I wrote on threads (@steelydoz). I'd do nearly anything on earth to get her back. I'd eat 1,000 raw carrots, which if you know me is huge. I can't get down a raw carrot without causing a scene lol but I'd do it with pleasure for another chance at this incredible woman that I have no shame in saying I already fell for. |
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